Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
