Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
