You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
