I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
