Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
