Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
