it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize