can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
