How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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