Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
