remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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