Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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