I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
