Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
