At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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