I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
