Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
