Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
