Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
