90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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