R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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