I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize