this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
