Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Watching her eat just hurts me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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