chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize