I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize