I can tuck mytits in my pants
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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