nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
