We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
