I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
