i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
