I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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