Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
