my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
