i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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