Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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