I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
