Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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