The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
