Apparently you make a good broom.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
