my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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