I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
