Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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