Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
