How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize