How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
