i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
