didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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