separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
