I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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