Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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