my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Randomize
