I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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