I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
