It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
