I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
